Food Babe's Almond Butter Brownies

~"She keeps posting it!"~ Some random post on Chow Babe's Facebook page

Almond Butter Brownies is an over-posted fuddy-duddy recipe that Vani made up and keeps ''constantly reposting. ''If Vani's 'army' is diminishing and refuses to read her pseudo-scientific fear-based nonsense, she'll offer them some 'brownies' (which are really ugly-but-delicious BLONDIES) to dem' sheeples.

Good job, Vani. Maybe she'll sign a petition to remove Ghirardelli Brownie Mix from the market for many wild and wonky reasons, like the flour in the mix containing gluten (safe for healthy non-celiac sheeples), the sugar being processed to death and the amount of it used, to even whining about conventional cocoa powder containing 'massive' doses of pesticides. Really?

Are they even brownies? Or blondies?
Mmm, nothin' like momma's good ol' brownies hopping outta dat oven...

This is the ingredient list for this 'fakers' recipe: REAL Brownies contain cocoa powder/baking cocoa in the recipe, and might include other tasty add-ins, like walnuts, chocolate chips, cherries and the like.
 * Alright, here it is!
 * 1 cup almond butter (she thinks peanut butter is unhealthful for some strange reason. So she's spreading on the rumors with jam...)
 * 2 tbsp flaxseed + 3 tbsp water or 1 egg
 * ½ tsp sea salt
 * ½ tsp baking soda
 * ½ cup of coconut palm sugar (she claims to have an alleged 'refined sugar allergy' somewhere on her site, so this is her go-to sweetner)
 * ½ tsp vanilla
 * ½ cup of “Enjoy Life” mega chocolate chunks (the real eye-opener here. There is no cocoa anywhere in the brownies except for the chocolate chunks. By the way, the brand of mega chunks she uses contains CANE SUGAR! And she claims to have an allergy to cane sugar! Maybe she recently discovered a little thing called "moderation"?

Blondies, on the other hand, are like brownies but have no cocoa mixed into the batter to make em'; well, you know, chocolaty. But blondies usually do contain chocolate chips to give them a gentle essence of cacao.

Now, how the heck do you make em'?
Well, it's pretty simplistic. But here's the catch: Vani's brownies have no flour or cocoa!

That's right, chefs. To call these gooey morsels 'brownies' is the biggest misnomer made in the history of good old' fashioned American baking.

Here are the wonkiest instructions for a 'brownie' recipe ever!
 * Preheat oven to 350 degrees (okay, the norm first step for baking brownies...)
 * Grease a small dish (8×8 or 8×6) thorougly or line bottom of dish with parchment paper (parchment is best)
 * Mix all ingredients except chocolate chunks until smooth (and there's no cocoa in there! Where the heck is the cocoa in the batter?)
 * Fold in chocolate chunks and pour batter into pan (Vani never even bothered to melt those chunks before pouring em' right into the batter. Fakers!)
 * Bake brownies until golden dark brown – about 25 mins (blondies are golden; these can't be too bad.)
 * Cool brownies for at least 10 mins before cutting (somehow, Vani hates getting burned, but also despises sunscreen.)

The Final Result...
Holy shit! The brownies are actually quite decent if you cook them in parchment paper! But if you leave out that parchment paper, you'll have to eat these brownies like a greedy pig... using a spoon to scrape the soft gooey 'brown stuff' offa that glass pan! I'd have to smoke weed to enjoy the non-parchment brownies...